Anti-Terror Billboard

Apologies for the lack of posts lately - life has been somewhat hectic as of late.

Hopefully will have time to post later today or tomorrow. In the meantime, courtesy of Dungeekin and James Holden, I've made my own version of the latest scary adverts put out by what purports to be a 'democratic' Government.



Some wonderful examples on BoingBoing - LOL.

More bollocks from the Daily Mail

All right, it's not a surprise that the Mail is talking bollocks.

But this story on Alzheimer's drugs is Ed Balls of the highest order.

A study involving 26 people does not constitute scientific proof, you numbskulls!

Get some fucking lessons in basic statistics before you print such a load of crap, and try to get taxpayers to pay for useless drugs. Cunts.

Or are you being paid by the manufacturers?

Life to be banned - 'too dangerous', says Minister

Following new scientific research from the University of the North of New Britain (formerly Kilbride College of FE), which shows for the first time that all human beings will die eventually, Safety Minister Jim Fitzpatrick has announced that all human life will be banned 'in the interests of improving statistics', which will, in turn, ensure 'New' Labour's prospects in all future elections.

Speaking exclusively on the Andrew Brown-Nose show, Mr Fitzpatrick explained, 'We have not been able to find any other way to catch up with Swedish and Dutch immortality statistics. We therefore took this tough decision - over breakfast this morning when we were deciding what new initiative we could announce on your show.'

The Brown Broadcasting Corporation could not be arsed to ask any spokesmen from other parties to comment on the proposals. Defending this decision, BBC Political Director Chris Paul said, 'This is such a minor administrative decision that we felt that it did not impinge on our Charter requirement to defend socialism.'

'In any case, when the Tories killed everyone in the North in the 1980s, Labour were not given the chance to put their case for increasing income taxes on the south to 110% in order to fund the north's basic requirements for chips, gravy, shellsuits, bling and BMWs.'

The Liberal Social Democrat spokesperson for public health, Sheila Beardsandal, said, 'This is ridiculous. Only today, our Conference voted through a radical suggestion to increase life expectancy by funding an expedition to find the Fountain of Youth. And yet the BBC - yet again - found no time to allow us to put forward this practical proposal on a minor TV show that nobody watches.'

Review of the Week

Dear Reader,

Well, it's been an exciting, Progressive week, hasn't it?

First, that well-known hero of Women's Rights, Teddy Kennedy, has been given a life peerage - as Prime Minister Gordon Brown so eloquently explained, 'After all, if Lord Ashcroft can be a peer, why not an American who share's New Labour's values*?' Lord Kennedy of Chappaquiddick will take up his seat immediately.

Second, following the disgraceful treatment of Lord Ahmed of Tub, his supporters have received assurances from the Secretary of State for Sharia Law and Justice, Abdullah Islam (formerly Jack Straw), that Muslims will only be tried by fellow Muslims, that the word of a non-Muslim will be valued at less than that of a Muslim in future court cases, and that the Muslim Parliament will henceforth be given a right to pass new legislation without clearance by the House of Commons and the House of Lords, as well as a veto on any new laws emenating from those institutions.

Mr Islam (Straw) pointed out that, 'We in Britain have a long track record** of capitulating to, I mean protecting Minorities, and this new step demonstrates just how progressive we are. I, for one, welcome our new Islamic overlords.' Osama Bin Laden, speaking from his Islamic (formerly Royal) Air Force jet en route from Pakistan to take up his new position as Speaker / Leader of the Muslim Parliament and Supreme Ruler of the United Caliphate (formerly United Kingdom), said, 'I welcome the recognition of the rightness of my Cause from my brothers in the United Caliphate Labour Party. Allah willing, I will be taking it up the arse from Peter Mandelson this very evening, I mean, I'm not a closet homosexual at all, I will be receiving a delegation led by Peter Mandelson later this evening. I have ordered an immediate nuclear strike on Denmark and the Netherlands, for the disgraceful actions of their cartoonists and Geert Wilders respectively.' The Supreme Leader also welcomed the appointment of Lord Kennedy to the House of Lords, saying, 'He shares my attitude towards - and valuation of - women'.

The third great triumph of the week, following the disgraceful and outrageous attack on Peter Mandelson (now known as Nancia Marrakecha) on Friday, was the back passage of emergency legislation to allow for the summary execution, without trial and on the orders of a Minister or ACPO, of anyone who embarrasses important government figures, whether they be officials from the Office of National Statistics, or so-called 'environmentalists' (who could be greener than our New Labour Government?!) who throw things at Ministers. Announcing the latest law, newly Burqua'ed Home Secretary, Islama Fascista (formerly Jacqui Smith) said, 'We will be tough on slime, tough on the causes of slime'.

All Hail the Masters of the United Caliphate of Great Britain and Northern Ireland! All Hail Allah and his Prophet Mohammed!
All Hail his servants, Lord Ahmed of Tub, Lord Kennedy of Chappaquiddick, Abdullah Islam / Jack Straw and Islama Fascista / Jacqui Smith!



*No, that does not mean corruption, John Prescott levels of gluttony, and 'all animals are equal, but some are more equal than others'. Anyone suggesting this will receive a friendly visit from a delegation of 10,000 of Lord Ahmed's closest friends.

** i.e. about 11 years

Nuts!

Old Holborn has drawn this fat bitch to my attention.

This isn't the first time I've heard a black person refer to another as a 'coconut' - it's usually reserved for people who aspire to middle-class things, like a house in a good area, a good education for their kids, etc.

Demonstrating ignorance beyond belief.

Well, OH's respondents have said most of it. But I would draw out 2 points:

- Why is it acceptable for black people to be racist - attacking values, etc. that are apparently 'white'? Why the double standards? Anyone? Draper? Harperson? Our friends at the BBC?
- I thought national politicians were stupid, but this one takes the biscuit. How do we devolve powers to local government with this shower of shite in line to wield them?

The New Zimbabwe?

As Zimbabwe goes further down the toilet, thanks to the support for Robert Mugabe provided by the South African government and British banks, a new Zimbabwe appears to be rising, or, rather, sinking - the 'People's Democratic Republic of Venezuela'.

Fresh from appointing himself President for Life (not that he was ever going to give up power, of course), Hugo 'Wanker doesn't begin to describe him' Chavez now seems to be nationalising food production.

Like that never leads to food shortages...

The people of Venezuela have my sympathies - first, they suffered under the rule of a self-interested, crooked 'elite', and now the man that claimed he would 'save' them is making things worse [This seems to remind me of someone else who claims to be a saviour, but the name somehow escapes me...].

And, to top it all, they've had to put up with visits and support from Ken 'Cronyism isn't my middle name, because I'm a cheeky chappie' Livingslime. Who, together with the usual bunch of Guardianista gobshites, thinks everything in Venezuela is hunky-dory.

When Venezuela collapses, will Ken admit he got it wrong? Or will he be like the (inexplicably popular) twat and hypocrite-par-excellence landowner, Tony Wedgewood-Benn, and claim that he was never wrong about anything? Sadly, I know where my money is...

Fuck, I hate socialists. They destroy anything that's good in life and accentuate everything that's bad. And then they claim to represent the 'workers', whilst they live in luxury hotels and dine in the finest restaurants. Or pay their wives £100k a year salaries, eh Ken?

Just like 1984 - how come Orwell remained a socialist when he could see what they inevitably become?

Wanker of the Week

Is the improbably named 'James T Kirk', for the following comment on the BBC News' Have Your Say:

"In their 2005 manifesto New labour promised a referendum on whether or not to sign the Lisbon treaty."

No, it was on the EU constitution, not the Lisbon Treaty. Irrespective of that, Blair did that to ensure the French held a referendum which he believed (rightly) would reject the Constitution and enable Britain and other countries to renegotiate some of the more ambitious aspects and gain more opt outs. This was achieved with the result that Lisbon really is just a tidying up exercise.

Well, as much as I like Star Trek (alright, alright, stop sniggering at the back... :-), this 'James T Kirk' is an utter wanker. I mean, does anyone seriously buy this shit? Gordon 'Courage' Brown didn't hold a referendum because he was scared that he would lose. As the Meerkat says, 'Simples'...

Meanwhile, most (though not all) of those making comments show their general ignorance by attacking Free Trade. My favourite is this:

We need a bit of both [Free Trade and Protectionism!]. Exporting comes from reciprocity [NB A protectionist concept, much favoured by the French...], and we need to keep key domestic skills safe.

BUT the net result should be that we export a little more than we import.

Eventually that WILL solve our economic woes.

You just can't be a net importer and fund it by debt...as we have seen.

Gordon-Charisma Brown, Brownutopia, Republic of Tax, Spend and Waste.

As much as this person has obviously picked out Gordon the Moron's, ahem, 'qualities', the statement does suggest one slight mathematical problem: how can all countries export a little more than they import?!!! That means that we can't all follow this policy, which makes it unsustainable... that way lies the 1930s Depression, to which protectionism made no little contribution.

What these muppets need to get is some basic economics (and history) lessons:

- Some countries import more than they export. This deficit can be funded in a number of ways: borrowing, a transfer / sale of assets abroad / etc.

- This is not a problem! It's a good thing!

- If a country can no longer afford - or is perceived as no longer being able to afford - to do this, its currency tends to depreciate against those of others. This makes its imports more expensive, and its exports cheaper, allowing it to reduce / eliminate its trade deficit. [For the benefit of the likes of Mr Kirk, this is one reason why joining the Euro is a really dumb idea - just look at its impact on Italy, for example...]

- This is a natural part of the economic cycle... like recessions. You can't 'cure' a recession, as idiots like Brown seem to think. Of course, you can make them worse, by entering them with a structural fiscal deficit, built up during a boom... But who would be stupid enough to do something like that?!

Lord Ahmed the Cunt

Well, I can't believe it.

Lord Ahmed got six weeks (after parole) in a cushy four star hotel prison.

It's outrageous! I expected him to get a fully suspended sentence. After all, he's a Labour Lord - and a Muslim! They're not subject to English law - especially when it's just a white man they've killed.

Still, at least his cunt, arsehole, dhimmi wanker, gobshite, turd of the highest order lawyer has appealed against this outrageously long sentence.

I mean, they can 'prove' that his use of a cellphone had nothing to do with the crash. I don't know how, but I believe Lord Ahmed over anyone else. Actually, it's obvious that the texting had nothing to do with the crash. After all, if you're driving at 60mph, you could never see far enough ahead on a straight road in order to stop in time. [Note to Lord A: I take it I now won't be getting a visit from 10,000 of your friends? Cheers! I mean, thanks - no, I don't drink, I mean that isn't allowed anymore.]


I hope that family members of the judge in question die in similar circumstances. Let's see if he then considers a 6 week sentence to represent 'justice'. Cunt.

Until we elect district attorneys in this country and set tougher minimum sentences, we will never get rid of the bleeding heart, Guardian-reading cunts who are responsible for this kind of nonsense.

Letter to the Stasi

Dear Jacqui,

Forgive me for writing to you twice - I felt that it was important to write to you at both of your addresses, as it is not clear to me which is your main residence.

Following the recent decision to bar Geert Wilders from the UK, I felt it necessary to warn you of the risks of creating disturbances in other communities of certain Government actions. Clearly, on receipt of this information, you will feel compelled to act, as you have done following Lord Ahmed's intervention in the Wilders case.

First, any decision to allow any Muslim preacher into the UK will result in a delegation of at least 10,000 Christians, Hindus, Jews, agnostics, atheists and Jedi marching on whichever of your addresses you are at at the time. I therefore respectfully request that you do not allow any Muslim preachers into the UK.

Second, any decision of Gordon Brown not to resign and call an immediate election will result in the same delegation marching on Downing St. Again, I therefore respectfully suggest that the Prime Mentalist resign forthwith, with a general election to follow immediately.

Third, any decision not to tell the European Court of Human 'Rights' to go forth and multiply over the case of Abu Qatada, and a failure to deport him immediately will result in the same delegation marching on the prison where he is being held and holding an impromptu hanging, with similar sized delegations (for similar purposes) marching on the Home Office and both of your residences.

Fourth, failure to prosecute members of the Labour Party for outright fraud (most notably yourself, the Cooper-Balls household, Ken Livingstone, Lee Jasper, members of the House of Lords who have been taking bribes in return for amending laws - in fact, the list seems to be endless) will result in a similar delegation marching on Parliament.

Yours faithfully,


Bishop Brennan

PS I have just been told that the right to march on Parliament and break the law is one that is reserved solely for Muslims, with additional rights reserved for those who have killed someone by reading / sending text messages whilst driving. Apologies for my error in believing that all UK citizens were equal before the law.

Post of the year - two contenders

By Dungeekin, via Old Holborn.

And some pretty good comments too (apart from all the twats going on about bad taste - like selling the rights to your death is in good taste!).

And another contender from the same site, this time by Leg-Iron. Another one for the tossers at 'Liberal' Conspiracy to ponder.

Love him or hate him, Old Holborn - and his crew - has become required reading...

Compare and contrast... my declaration of freedom

Man attacks drug dealer who won't stop selling heroin to members of his family. Gets two months in prison, for what is effectively a minor assault on someone who deserved it - and who won't be punished by the police, CPS or any of the other cunts who supposedly provide 'justice' in what is laughably called our 'criminal justice system'. The Penguin's commentary on Old Holborn's blog says it all.

A lorry driver who killed a family of 6 people (crushed between 2 lorries so that their bodies were not recognisable) on a straight road where there is no good reason for him not to stop (no bad weather, etc.) gets 3 years in prison, which will be 18 months in reality. The family were not criminals and had done nothing wrong. The lorry driver simply couldn't be arsed to concentrate on the road. Hope the cunt dies of cancer.

Lord Ahmed is the Labour peer who successfully threatened - with total impunity - to bring 10,000 Muslims to the Horse of Lords to prevent a Dutch MP, Geert Wilders, from showing a film which depicts the violent nature of Islamists. Strangely enough, he didn't show any religious concern for the lives of others when he was sending a text message whilst driving on the motorway, and killed a man. He will get a maximum of 2 years in prison, i.e. 1 year after parole - and, of course, because he's a Labour peer and a Muslim to boot (better if he were gay and disabled, although, given Derek Draper's comments, only a non-'windowlicker' disability...), I guess he will get a suspended sentence. The fat, stupid, terrorist-loving cunt.

And people wonder why increasing numbers of us have no confidence in our 'justice' system?!

Well, I announce today that I am renouncing the protection of this so-called system of 'justice'. As is my right, I will defend my family using whatever measures are necessary. I do not recognise the authority of the police or any court in the UK. Any action taken against me by those authorities is illegitimate and an abuse of my fundamental rights of self-determination and self-defence.

Modern English usage, part viii (cont)

The Derek Draper nonsense this week has reminded me of just how, ahem, 'far' the language of Milton and Shakespeare has come in just 11 years of the Moron, Harperson, et al.

Anyway, I thought it might be important to start to record these momentous changes for posterity:

'Racist' - Anyone who disagrees with a socialist.

'Liberal' - A socialist, usually self-important, with the Guardian rolled up and stuffed up her ass (NB note the avoidance of any assumption that the Liberal is male).

'A good service' - The usual crappy level of service offered by the London Undergroud.

'Hard-working families' - Chavs who vote Labour (assuming they are allowed to vote; sadly, many 13-15 year olds are disenfranchised, something that the Party must sort out as soon as possible). Usually used to support the idea that anyone who is single cannot possibly work hard, and therefore must pay what used to be regarded (laughably, of course) as penal levels of taxation.

'White, anglo-saxon male' - repressor; bastard; value-less, someone that a Muslim (qv) may kill without punishment.

'White, anglo-saxon female' - object of the repression and bastardry meted out by the white anglo-saxon male (qv). Nonetheless, may be used for the sexual gratification of a Muslim without punishment.

'Tory' - Evil, must be stopped from gaining power at all costs, even if it means abandoning any pretence at democracy in the UK.

'School' - place where children from poor backgrounds must be pandered to at all costs, as part of the wider reach of the State. Anyone who suggests that school should be a place of learning a) has clearly not been near one in 20 years, and b) should be locked up, given their potential to harm themselves and Society (NB there is such a thing as Society, and it can be personalised, so can think, feel, be harmed, etc.).

'Social worker' - a state employee who should be given even more power, despite all the evidence that they should have very limited powers (Baby Peter, etc.).

'Muslim' - a member of society who has more rights than other people, including the right not to be offended; should this right be breached, Muslims have the right to call for the death of the person causing the offence, to blockade Parliament and, ultimately, to take over the country.

'The NHS' - the official religion of the UK, the only thing held in higher esteem than Islam. No-one may criticise the NHS or suggest that it is a waste of money; punishment is to be told that 'you obviously support the US health system, where 40m people don't have any healthcare, you eeeeeevil Tory (qv), you'. And to be sent to a re-education camp.

'Politician' - cunt (common usage, punishable by death); a selfless public servant, provided that they are a liberal (qv). If a Tory, then common usage applies (without threat of death).

'MP' - person entitled to enrich themselves at the expense of taxpayers; not to be held to account for any expense claims or to have applied to them standards that are usual for mere mortals.

'Minister' - like MP, except even less accountable. Not to be questioned under any circumstances.

'America' - the source of all things bad. Though no longer, now that George W Bush has departed, to be replaced by Barack Obama (qv).

'Depression' - a word that the Prime Minister only ever uses by accident.

'Barack Obama' - the Messiah, who will save us all, banish poverty, solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, bring world peace and usher in a Golden Age, the like of which has never been seen before.

'Gordon Brown' - the Messiah, who has already saved the world; John the Baptist to Obama's Jesus.

'Courage' - disappearing whenever a problem arises; blaming others when this is not possible.

'Tony Blair' - formerly thought to be the Messiah, now shown to simply have been 'a very naughty boy'.

'Grammar' - a device used by the eeeevil middle- and upper-classes to repress the working masses; used to describe schools which took the brightest working class children and co-opted them into the System.

'Politically impartial' - Allowed to occasionally criticise the Labour Party, provided this is counter-balanced by a worse example on the part of the Tories (qv).

'Criminal' - Any member of the middle classes who drives above the speed limit. No longer applies to anyone who was brought up by a single parent / in a 'low-income' (qv) family / from an ethnic minority / etc. who commits murder / rape / theft / etc. They cannot be criminals because it is not their fault that they do these things, but the fault of the System.

'Low-income' - anyone whose income is less than £100,000 a year, unless they come from a middle-class family with two heterosexual parents who love each other.


I'm sure you have many more - perhaps we ought to start a New New Labour dictionary website?

Wanker of the Week

Back by popular demand...

And today's wanker is... Derek Draper.

Primarily for this post. Presumably, 'revenge' for Guido pointing out that he didn't go to Berkeley (even though it would have been an appropriate place for him...).

Derek - fuck off you tedious, totalitarian cunt. None of the comments you cite are racist - they simply reflect reality in Brown's Britain. But, of course, socialists have always shouted, 'Racist!' at anyone with whom they disagree.

But racist comments like 'British jobs for British workers' are, of course, OK if they are uttered by socialist cunts like Gordon the Moron.

Anyway, given that Guido has apparently deleted the non-racist comments, I'm more than happy for any reader to leave similar ones on this blog. As a reminder, this is the picture:



And, Derek, keep your totalitarian shit on LabourShite - there's no room for it in the rest of the blogosphere.

Honestly, you'd think he had better things to worry about, like his mental boss, who's taking the country down the toilet - or just shagging his wife (after all, we all know the risks of not keeping your spouse happy in bed...).

Fake charities

An eagle-eyed reader may have noticed that Devil's Kitchen has launched the fakecharities.org website, after yet another 'charity' was revealed to be nothing of the sort, but rather a front for the Government to claim popular support for imposing yet more illiberal legislation on us.

Like the Devil, I am thoroughly pissed-off with this state of affairs - it's bad enough that businesses do this (see, e.g. The Truth About Drug Companies for examples of how Big Pharma uses charities to persuade the sheeple to lobby for ineffective drugs, like Herceptin for early stage breast cancer). But now the illiberal cunts in Government are using the same dirty tricks, cunts that they are.

So I have volunteered to help this noble cause. And I urge you to do the same.

My first contribution: some FoI requests:

To: info@dcsf.gsi.gov.uk

Dear Sir / Madam,

I am writing to make a request under the Freedom of Information Act.

I would be grateful if you could let me know which charities received funding from the DCSF and its agencies:

- In 2008; and
- In 2007.

Yours sincerely,


Paul Brennan

To: dhmail@dh.gsi.gov.uk

Dear Sir / Madam,

I am writing to make a request under the Freedom of Information Act.

I would be grateful if you could let me know which charities received funding from the Department of Health and its agencies:

- In 2008; and
- In 2007.

Yours sincerely,


Paul Brennan

And:

To: public.enquiries@homeoffice.gsi.gov.uk

Dear Sir / Madam,

I am writing to make a request under the Freedom of Information Act.

I would be grateful if you could let me know which charities received funding from the Home Office and its agencies:

- In 2008; and
- In 2007.

Yours sincerely,


Paul Brennan

Etc........

Let's see if the cunts respond with some answers, or dodgy excuses... Not holding my breath...


PS I see the Devil is talking about the alcohol 'limits' which some 'scientists' invented in the 1980s, and which Government uses 'charities' - and dumbass 'liberal' democrat MPs - to promote. Did you know that they also made up '5 a day' - apparently, it's actually 3 a day.

Update: All Depts have promised to respond within 20 days, other than HM Treasury...

Oh. My. God.

As you probably know, the Devil already has a blog. But, in that case, it's clearly not the Devil in the evil - Satanic, Beelzebub - sense

Now, however - via one of DK's Anonymous disciples - it seems that Satan - the real one - has learned the art of seeking to spread his poison online.

Some of you may remember Rory Bremner's avatar of Peter Mandelson on his C4 show (well, C4 has to be useful for something...). I thought it was funny.

Now I'm not so sure...

Is nowhere safe from these bastards?

Citizens of Second Life - prepare yourselves for:

• Eye-watering levels of virtual taxation and government debt
• Monitoring of all your online activities.
• Harriet Harman stopping any sexual fantasies (unless they involve ugly women only)
• Virtual imprisonment / hanging for smoking or speeding offences; rewards for committing anything previously regarded as criminal
  
• 'Losing' your data so that it can be used by criminals
• A financial crisis that 'began in America' but hits the UK worse than anywhere else, for reasons that can't be explained, other than by some vague reference to potential other governments being 'do-nothing' organisations
  
• Gulags for anyone that doesn't repeat, parrot-style, everything that the Mandelson avatar says
• A Second Life Broadcasting Corporation - funded by compulsory taxation - which features such 'balanced' reporters as 'Toilets' Macguire and 'Toenails' Robinson
• Free inside information for a Robert Peston avatar
  
• All-in-all, a virtual USSR - a model for the UK if Labour win the next election.
  

Is it possible to have a virtual revolution? Are there any Second-Lifers who would volunteer to lead it - and treat the Mandelson avatar to Bolshevik-style retribution?

Please, God - what did we do? :-(

The bishop is back... and angry as ever!

Dear Reader

Apologies for the absence of posts recently - I've been enjoying a (well-earned?) holiday.

I gather that I'm not the only one... Mandy Pandy has apparently been spotted in Marrakech (incidentally, not his first time there...). Some of Guido's co-conspirators have even suggested that he might have been enjoying some of the, ahem, adult entertainment that Marrakech offers.

Well, clearly the Bishop isn't in a position to judge the truth of the matter - nor, as a libertarian, does he care if Mandy or anyone else indulges in such activities, provided they involve consenting adults. But, if this was what Mandy was doing, and given Harriet Harperson's Jacqui Smith's new law which will insist that clients check prostitutes' ages and that they aren't trafficked, perhaps Mandy could let us know whether he took similar precautions in North Africa, and how he ensured that he was told the truth?

Or, as anyone outside the Labour Party knows, will the legislation not work? There was an excellent article by Hannah Fletcher and Claudia Fromme in the Times on this, back in November. In particular, it points to experience in Finland, where, 'Since [similar] legislation came into effect, there has not been one single prosecution', because it is impossible to prove 'beyond reasonable doubt' that a client knew that a prostitute was trafficked.

Perhaps this is all part of Labour's ongoing attempts to turn England into a police state? The failure of the legislation will mean that 'beyond reasonable doubt', the backbone of a fair and just legal system for centuries, will be changed - no doubt, to 'if you support Labour, you're a victim and we'll pay you vast amounts of taxpayers' money, and, if not, you're an evil criminal who doesn't understand social justice, and we'll send you to the gulag'.

Perhaps the Prime Mentalist is more like Stalin than Mr Bean, after all?

Getting back to the subject in hand, I think it is worth reflecting on some of what the article says in detail...

When Richard Gere picked up Julia Roberts in his Lotus Esprit in Pretty Woman, it was the start of a great Hollywood romance. The classic prostitute with a heart of gold, she was transformed almost instantly into a glamous sex kitten, equally at home shopping on Rodeo Drive, decorating his arm at the opera in San Francisco or stamping the divots at a polo match. And, of course, there was a fairytale ending in which the corporate prince rescued the fair maiden as she promised to “rescue him right back”.

But if an English Gere — perhaps a hedge-fund manager trying to find Notting Hill in the dark — attempted a similar stunt in the brave new world of Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary, he wouldn't be handing out strawberries in the hotel penthouse but having his mugshot taken at the nearest police station.

Well, yeah. I mean, does anyone seriously think that prostitution is glamorous? Pretty Woman is a shit film, and hardly compares to reality (for a start, Richard Gere [edited for legal purposes! ;-)]). Seriously... (I guess they had to do this, as such sensationalisation seems to be a requirment even for broadsheet journalists these days... But forgive them - the rest of the article is unusually balanced and fair).

Andy Hayman, former assistant commissioner of the Metropolitan Police, thinks that the new proposals are ludicrous. “The police have so many other priorities, such as knife crime,” he says. “They don't want to hound prostitutes who obviously need the money, or their clients, unless they are causing serious problems.

“What these women need is help. Many of them are drug addicts or behind with their rent; they already have criminal convictions so they can't find another job. They don't need to be forced farther underground. Most are already very co-operative, and they are great informers. Coppers will ignore this one.”

Wow! The police being sensible? Perhaps Inspector Gadget despairs too much? Although it is an ex-copper talking... And they probably should go after the people traffickers....

"This is an disaster for many working women,” says Virginia (not her real name), who works in a sex parlour in southeast England that is run by a middle-aged couple. “These measures will make our jobs far more dangerous. The couple I work for are not pimps, they check my clients and make sure I'm safe. The sex between my client and myself is a consensual act.”

Nicky Adams, a spokeswoman (NB not 'spokesperson' - naughty, naughty!) for the English Collective of Prostitutes (NB note that 'union' seems to be a dirty word here - perhaps this explains Labour's hatred for them?), adds:

...prostitutes are now terrified of ending up with the most unscrupulous pimps. “All this will do is hound the decent parlour owners. The Government is trying to take the moral high ground but it's a low blow for women who are struggling to make ends meet, whether they are from Croydon or Croatia.”

But, as Harperson argues, isn't prostitution just, well, wrong? If women demean themselves by being prostitutes, why should we want them to be protected? After all, if we can get murder and rape figures up, then we can put all men (the raping bastards!) in prison and have a much better world! And we don't want any pretty Eastern European women here, showing how ugly many British women are! After all, how's a girl to get a girlfriend against that sort of competition?

If only women would simply look and dress like Harriet or our dear Jacqui (especially in her knife-proof vest, and with her protection squad, vital for any Labour Minister given what they've done to this country), then no man would want to fuck them! And then there would be no prostitution.

Except for rent boys in Marrakech, accessible only to senior Labour Ministers. Nothing wrong with that - after all, gay and Labour, now that's a minority group that deserves the full protection of the law...

First Predictions for 2009

Well, it's that time of year when we make foolish predictions about 2009. And they don't come much more foolish than those made by our friends at the Treasury - return to economic growth by the autumn, public borrowing of 'only' £120bn in fiscal year 2009/10 (excluding Northern Rock, Land Rover, etc., etc.....)...

And what of the likely reality? Well, here's a go...

1. With the UK economy going down the toilet, Brown calls early election on back of his bounce in the polls. Tories fail to provide proper alternative, saying that they won't cut spending to cut taxes and that 'rolling back the state isn't an option'. Muppets vote Brown back in.

2. Run on the Pound (even more than already) - how about £1 = 0.75 Euro?

3. UK can't refinance all of its debts as well as new borrowing. IMF called in.

4. UK economy completely fucked.

I think that about sums it up. Time for everyone who can to leave for the exit...

OR...

1. Cameron comes to his senses and makes the Tories a low tax party; or luck intervenes (seems more likely...) and the IMF are called in before Brown dares hold an election.

2. IMF forces 'savage' (all of 10%) cuts in UK spending in return for structural adjustment lending. Surprise, surprise - the sun doesn't fall out of the sky and the world goes on...


And this is the point. Although a recession will be painful - no foreign holidays for some (oh, the pain, the pain...) and no job for others (but they're in the private sector, so this is good news for our Labour Masters - more welfare clients...) - it may force the changes that the UK needs:

• It will be pretty easy to squeeze health spending by 10% - just cut the national tariff which determines prices. Together with wage freezes for the doctors who have done rather nicely under Labour (43% of additional health spending under Labour has gone on wage increases). Let's end the fiction of an NHS dental service (other countries leave it to the private sector - lightly regulated to prevent abuse of market power). A lot of public health spending can be cut without affecting health - e.g. anti-alcohol and 5-a-day campaigns.
  
• Cut down on wasteful spending. That means abolishing the Dept of Timewasting & Interfering (now called 'BERR' for some pathetic reason). It means no more 'lesbian co-ordinators' and the like, a ban on outside consultants being paid more than their civil service equivalents without specific sign-off by a Secretary of State (making them accountable for showing VfM) fewer special advisors, a hiring freeze across Whitehall and the rest of the public sector (with the exception of those who can show that they will generate cash savings, e.g. people who know how not to get ripped off buying IT services), wage cuts outside London to reflect the true difference in the cost of living rather than one that's made up, no more new furniture and IT kit at the end of the financial year, etc. And the House of Commons can show it's sharing the nation's pain by taking a 10% wage and allowance cut and losing its drinks subsidies. It's symbolic, y'know...
  
• All civil servants to be required to suggest a way of saving money in their area in order to receive a higher box marking, be eligible for future promotion and avoid a pay cut - we need to encourage a culture where efficiency is the norm, not the exception. Suggestions to be published, so that senior civil servants and Ministers can be held to account if they block their implementation.
  
• Abolish tax credits - whether for 'working families' (just cut taxes) or for R&D (ditto). Simplify tax system, introducing flat tax. Measures together will save billions in Revenue & Customs salaries, fraud / overpayment and firms having to spend much less on their tax returns.
  
• Scotland, Wales & Northern Ireland to receive same per capita spend as regions of England with equivalent levels of GDP per head. If they want more, they'll have to pay more tax. We can also save some money by reducing the number of MPs from those areas to reflect their population size and the fact that Gov't is devolved...
  
• Unilateral UK withdrawal from the Common Agricultural Policy, together with the concommitant cut in the UK's EU budget contributions. We gave up our rebate for nothing - now we'll get something. :-)
• Prison spending to be held steady - 2 at least to a cell (Human Rights Act to be disapplied to criminals), no more playstations, day trips for feral youths, etc. will fund new prison places.
  
• All existing Gov't funding for the Turd Sector / Charities to be ended. If they want to campaign against Gov't policies, they'll have to find private individuals to fund them. Those who want to implement (new, tougher) Gov't policy and can produce credible plans for doing so, can bid for funding against cr&p public sector authorities such as Haringey.
• DFID's budget to be cut. It's stupid for the UK to borrow money it can't afford to pay for corruption in the developing world. Spending that remains only to be given to countries that help themselves by adopting sensible policies. But as we're no longer in the CAP, they can export their farm produce to us without restriction (helping them and us - lower food prices for us, more secure markets for them).
• No national ID scheme (a bigger waste of money than David Bentley...). Olympics to be given to Paris.
• Education spending to be slightly cut by abolishing LEAs and ending nonsense like payments to students to do A levels. Vouchers to be introduced across the board to drive competition a la Sweden. I'm sure there's loads more that could be done - quality hasn't gone up with spending over the last decade...
  
• Defra and MoD to lose all industrial policy responsibilities and spending. No money to be directed towards the countryside over-and-above spending elsewhere - the cost of living is higher in cities, so why should taxpayers there subsidise those who live in the country?!
• Scrap RDAs - another complete waste of money.
• Police targets to be abolished. Local police chiefs elected - if they don't deliver real cuts in crime, they'll get voted out. All the bureaucracy introduced over the last 30 years to be at least halved.
  
• End welfare as a way of life (TM). Anyone that claims benefits fraudulently will lose entitlement to benefits permanently (and fuck anyone that says, 'but what about the chiiiiildreeeeeen?'). Anyone on benefits will not receive extra benefits for having more children. Nor extra housing. No-one under 25 to receive a council flat / house - that might encourage some responsibility... With tax thresholds massively increased, there will be no excuse not to work if you can - I don't care if that means cleaning the streets or public toilets (which are so disgusting that they can only be carrying large numbers of vacancies).
  

That's just a start. I bet everyone who works in the public sector can suggest many more.

But I needed to get it off my chest.

And 2009 may turn out to be not be so bad after all... but the start of something good.

Wanker of the Week - Christmas special

Dear Reader,

A very belated Merry Christmas to you.

The Bishop had a wonderful family Christmas - made all the more wonderful by the news about Harold Pinto. I celebrated with a special bottle of communion wine from my friends at Ridge Wines. [And, no, I don't get paid to endorse them - they're just the best wines in the world, in my humble opinion.]

However, the Christmas day festivities were interrupted by a 'special' edition of Top of the Pops, which featured Leona Lewis mauling (given her Aslan-like looks - and, no, that wasn't intended as a compliment - a good choice of word, methinks) the wonderful Snow Patrol song, Run.

Now, the Bishop isn't particularly wivvit, innit when it comes to the X-Factor and other shite beamed into the Sheeple's living rooms, 1984-style, by ITV and the BBC (yet another reason to rip up my TV licence and tell them to fuck off, as if I needed one...). But I have not only heard Run being farted out by Leona Fat-Arse as previously mentioned, but also Leonard Cohen's wonderful Halleluja being vomited out by some other piece of choir-fodder, who, I am told, rejoices in the name 'Burke'. How appropriate.

Well, I could make these two transexual wannabes my joint Wankers of the Week. And it's not that they don't merit it - fame-hungry, money-grubbing chav-fodder that they are. It's just that, well...

There is a cunt of the highest order that has for many years produced this kind of junk music, aimed at teenage girls and their mothers / grandmothers, all in the name of making money. Not that there's anything wrong with making money. But the Bishop wouldn't choose to do so by trafficking women from Eastern Europe to work as prostitutes, say, or by selling weapons to Hugo Chavez. And crimes against music are - to these ears, at least - pretty much on a par with such reprehensible activities...

And his name is Simon Cowell. The man who gave us Sinitta and Grease is the word (where is the puking smiley when you need it? Ah... here - ).

And. He's. A. Cunt. A Christmas Wanker if ever I saw one.

So, Simon, go fuck yourself right up the arse with the longest bargepole in history. And when you die, I hope your own personal Hell is to be forced to listen to Sinitta et al for eternity. And that might, just might make us even.

In the meantime, I will give you a tiny taste - although probably not nearly as minuscule as your cock must be, given how you obsessed you are with fame, money and all that they bring at the expense of taste, family and love (what else would explain his sense of inadequacy?) - of what I think about you by making you the first Christmas Wanker of the Week.

Wanker of the Week

What kind of cunt thinks that a murderer is a hero, an icon, someone we should look up to?

Not many people are that stupid.

But those that are - well, they usually vote Labour... or their equivalents abroad.

And the Nameless Libertarian and the Devil have identified a particular arsehole of the species. The name's del Toro. Merda del Toro. Or, at least, that's what kids at school called him...

And he's a complete cunt. As are all the feeble-minded sheeple who wear 'Che' t-shirts. Or listen to the opinions of actors as if they are some breed of geniuses, simply because they pretend to be other people in films.

So, del Toro - you're my Wanker of the Week.

And you're joined by anyone that thinks that celebrities' opinions are somehow something that others should take notice of, just because they are celebrities. Yes, Gordon 'end of spin' Brown - that means you, too. Cunt.

Wanker of the Week

Well, it's been a while. And so many candidates!

- All BBC employees (as per every week - too easy)
- All civil servants (except that bloke at the Home Office who's been helping Damien Green. Do the others all support Gordon the Moron?!)
- Social workers from Haringey and wherever it is Oop North where Shannon Matthews lives
- Michael Martin

But the Bishop has decided not to target the usual suspects - at least, as left-wing 'liberals' (i.e. socialists - who are anything but liberal) would stereotype them.

...

Had you for a second!

Of course, it's Michael Martin.

Should never have been a Speaker - like his fellow Scottish MPs, he has no appreciation for the importance of Parliament to English freedoms. And he's too thick.

And no, I don't give a fuck about his background - his Catholicism (obviously...), his metal-bashing career (I bet he was shit at that too!), his trade-unionism (although that's usually a giveaway for stupidity and selfishness - nothing must ever change in case someone might have to change jobs), or even the fact that he joined a Party that has infantilised Scotland and now the rest of the UK, all in the name of staying in power for no apparent purpose other than to stick its collective snout in the trough.

He isn't up to the job. Simple. And if he had any shred of decency or honour, he would resign.

But he's a wanker who is addicted to the perks of power. And that's why he's my Wanker of the Week.