Life to be banned - 'too dangerous', says Minister

Following new scientific research from the University of the North of New Britain (formerly Kilbride College of FE), which shows for the first time that all human beings will die eventually, Safety Minister Jim Fitzpatrick has announced that all human life will be banned 'in the interests of improving statistics', which will, in turn, ensure 'New' Labour's prospects in all future elections.

Speaking exclusively on the Andrew Brown-Nose show, Mr Fitzpatrick explained, 'We have not been able to find any other way to catch up with Swedish and Dutch immortality statistics. We therefore took this tough decision - over breakfast this morning when we were deciding what new initiative we could announce on your show.'

The Brown Broadcasting Corporation could not be arsed to ask any spokesmen from other parties to comment on the proposals. Defending this decision, BBC Political Director Chris Paul said, 'This is such a minor administrative decision that we felt that it did not impinge on our Charter requirement to defend socialism.'

'In any case, when the Tories killed everyone in the North in the 1980s, Labour were not given the chance to put their case for increasing income taxes on the south to 110% in order to fund the north's basic requirements for chips, gravy, shellsuits, bling and BMWs.'

The Liberal Social Democrat spokesperson for public health, Sheila Beardsandal, said, 'This is ridiculous. Only today, our Conference voted through a radical suggestion to increase life expectancy by funding an expedition to find the Fountain of Youth. And yet the BBC - yet again - found no time to allow us to put forward this practical proposal on a minor TV show that nobody watches.'

Nuts!

Old Holborn has drawn this fat bitch to my attention.

This isn't the first time I've heard a black person refer to another as a 'coconut' - it's usually reserved for people who aspire to middle-class things, like a house in a good area, a good education for their kids, etc.

Demonstrating ignorance beyond belief.

Well, OH's respondents have said most of it. But I would draw out 2 points:

- Why is it acceptable for black people to be racist - attacking values, etc. that are apparently 'white'? Why the double standards? Anyone? Draper? Harperson? Our friends at the BBC?
- I thought national politicians were stupid, but this one takes the biscuit. How do we devolve powers to local government with this shower of shite in line to wield them?

The New Zimbabwe?

As Zimbabwe goes further down the toilet, thanks to the support for Robert Mugabe provided by the South African government and British banks, a new Zimbabwe appears to be rising, or, rather, sinking - the 'People's Democratic Republic of Venezuela'.

Fresh from appointing himself President for Life (not that he was ever going to give up power, of course), Hugo 'Wanker doesn't begin to describe him' Chavez now seems to be nationalising food production.

Like that never leads to food shortages...

The people of Venezuela have my sympathies - first, they suffered under the rule of a self-interested, crooked 'elite', and now the man that claimed he would 'save' them is making things worse [This seems to remind me of someone else who claims to be a saviour, but the name somehow escapes me...].

And, to top it all, they've had to put up with visits and support from Ken 'Cronyism isn't my middle name, because I'm a cheeky chappie' Livingslime. Who, together with the usual bunch of Guardianista gobshites, thinks everything in Venezuela is hunky-dory.

When Venezuela collapses, will Ken admit he got it wrong? Or will he be like the (inexplicably popular) twat and hypocrite-par-excellence landowner, Tony Wedgewood-Benn, and claim that he was never wrong about anything? Sadly, I know where my money is...

Fuck, I hate socialists. They destroy anything that's good in life and accentuate everything that's bad. And then they claim to represent the 'workers', whilst they live in luxury hotels and dine in the finest restaurants. Or pay their wives £100k a year salaries, eh Ken?

Just like 1984 - how come Orwell remained a socialist when he could see what they inevitably become?

Wanker of the Week

Is the improbably named 'James T Kirk', for the following comment on the BBC News' Have Your Say:

"In their 2005 manifesto New labour promised a referendum on whether or not to sign the Lisbon treaty."

No, it was on the EU constitution, not the Lisbon Treaty. Irrespective of that, Blair did that to ensure the French held a referendum which he believed (rightly) would reject the Constitution and enable Britain and other countries to renegotiate some of the more ambitious aspects and gain more opt outs. This was achieved with the result that Lisbon really is just a tidying up exercise.

Well, as much as I like Star Trek (alright, alright, stop sniggering at the back... :-), this 'James T Kirk' is an utter wanker. I mean, does anyone seriously buy this shit? Gordon 'Courage' Brown didn't hold a referendum because he was scared that he would lose. As the Meerkat says, 'Simples'...

Meanwhile, most (though not all) of those making comments show their general ignorance by attacking Free Trade. My favourite is this:

We need a bit of both [Free Trade and Protectionism!]. Exporting comes from reciprocity [NB A protectionist concept, much favoured by the French...], and we need to keep key domestic skills safe.

BUT the net result should be that we export a little more than we import.

Eventually that WILL solve our economic woes.

You just can't be a net importer and fund it by debt...as we have seen.

Gordon-Charisma Brown, Brownutopia, Republic of Tax, Spend and Waste.

As much as this person has obviously picked out Gordon the Moron's, ahem, 'qualities', the statement does suggest one slight mathematical problem: how can all countries export a little more than they import?!!! That means that we can't all follow this policy, which makes it unsustainable... that way lies the 1930s Depression, to which protectionism made no little contribution.

What these muppets need to get is some basic economics (and history) lessons:

- Some countries import more than they export. This deficit can be funded in a number of ways: borrowing, a transfer / sale of assets abroad / etc.

- This is not a problem! It's a good thing!

- If a country can no longer afford - or is perceived as no longer being able to afford - to do this, its currency tends to depreciate against those of others. This makes its imports more expensive, and its exports cheaper, allowing it to reduce / eliminate its trade deficit. [For the benefit of the likes of Mr Kirk, this is one reason why joining the Euro is a really dumb idea - just look at its impact on Italy, for example...]

- This is a natural part of the economic cycle... like recessions. You can't 'cure' a recession, as idiots like Brown seem to think. Of course, you can make them worse, by entering them with a structural fiscal deficit, built up during a boom... But who would be stupid enough to do something like that?!

Is it just me...

This story in today's Guardian (no, I don't normally read it: the Devil linked to a different story and I saw the headline) has opened my eyes to a bizarre 'pastime', called 'Upskirting'. This apparently involves the illicit taking of photographs up the skirts of oblivious females...

What the fuck?!

Just how low can people sink? I thought we'd reached a nadir with Big Brother and Benicio del Toro's 'Che', but...

One view might be that the legalisation of prostitution can't come soon enough. Another - that these men are too cowardly (or too small down there) to ever try to have sex with a woman, even if they were paying for it...

However, it does have the upside of getting Guardian readers all in a tizz - the comments are well worth reading, if only to see the stupidity of that particular group... And the Islamist tossers who suggest that 'women should dress appropriately'. Which takes me back to the Devil's post about how 30% of the population still, apparently, plan to vote Labour.

Lord help us.

Post of the year - two contenders

By Dungeekin, via Old Holborn.

And some pretty good comments too (apart from all the twats going on about bad taste - like selling the rights to your death is in good taste!).

And another contender from the same site, this time by Leg-Iron. Another one for the tossers at 'Liberal' Conspiracy to ponder.

Love him or hate him, Old Holborn - and his crew - has become required reading...

Wanker of the Week

Back by popular demand...

And today's wanker is... Derek Draper.

Primarily for this post. Presumably, 'revenge' for Guido pointing out that he didn't go to Berkeley (even though it would have been an appropriate place for him...).

Derek - fuck off you tedious, totalitarian cunt. None of the comments you cite are racist - they simply reflect reality in Brown's Britain. But, of course, socialists have always shouted, 'Racist!' at anyone with whom they disagree.

But racist comments like 'British jobs for British workers' are, of course, OK if they are uttered by socialist cunts like Gordon the Moron.

Anyway, given that Guido has apparently deleted the non-racist comments, I'm more than happy for any reader to leave similar ones on this blog. As a reminder, this is the picture:



And, Derek, keep your totalitarian shit on LabourShite - there's no room for it in the rest of the blogosphere.

Honestly, you'd think he had better things to worry about, like his mental boss, who's taking the country down the toilet - or just shagging his wife (after all, we all know the risks of not keeping your spouse happy in bed...).

The rise of the pleblic*

*Term coined by The Filthy Smoker, commenting on Devil's Kitchen.

Well, the signs have been there for some time... England's white, 'working' classes are rising up in support of 'British jobs for British workers'.

And, whilst Mandy Pandy tries to stand up for Free Trade and against protectionism (as, to be fair, he did in Brussels, pissing off the French - well, the man can't be all bad!), the reality is that it is his party, the Prime Mentalist that he is supporting, the economic policy which he has supported all along, the EU policy which he has helped implement as well as supported, the adoption of an effective open border policy to immigrants and the rejection of policies to reduce the power of trade unions that are responsible for the rising tide of union action that we're seeing now.

Frank Field - one of the few Labour MPs that I have any time for - writes today about the consequences of the open doors policy in particular - and the stupidity of the 'British jobs for British workers' soundbite that the Great Gobshite in Downing St used a few months ago. Whilst the article is flawed - not least in its call for Splash Gordon to actually adopt a position of British jobs for British workers - it shows the sheer alarm in the Labour Party about the loss of their core supporters and the concommitant rise of the BNP - Labour voters are switching to them, illustrating that they are a left-wing party, not a right-wing one, no matter what idiots on Liberal Conspiracy try to claim...

But is it the 'white, working class' who should be angry - or those of us who have seen our taxes pissed down the toilet (strange and incongruous, I know, given this week's stories that suggest that Gordo can't actually manage to get to the toilet...) by this useless, ideologically-driven Government? Note - they're not just incompetent. They are deliberately fucking our country up.

One example: schools. Because they can't even get schools to teach our kids to read, write and count, they've given up. Instead, schools are to become a core part of 'children's services' policies to tackle 'inequality' - not, as Grammar schools used to, by teaching them useful skills and knowledge, but by telling them that it's not their fault if they don't learn... even if it's because they're fucking lazy bastards. Don't believe me? Have a look at 21st Century Schools: A World-Class Education for Every Child / A School Report Card. It simply beggars belief.

And some people actually thought Brown would be better than Blair. Although, to be fair (and to borrow a phrase), this isn't Brown, it's Balls.

Not enough for you? How about this from Thursday's Times:

There have been intense discussions on Labour’s National Executive Committee about how to help the 4.5 million people waiting for social housing and to get the construction industry back to work, The Times has learnt.

Now, how the fuck, after a boom lasting 15 years or so, are there 4.5 million people on the waiting list for social housing?! Are there that many useless Brits? Probably... Or is it that we have imported 4.5 million people from Poland, Ukraine, Brazil, Pakistan, Nigeria, etc. - well, they all seem to live near me, in my rapidly-depreciating tiny flat in Chav-ville. But weren't we told that these people were generating an economic benefit? So it 'can't' be them!

And what about our wonderfully generous benefits system - generous, that is, to frauds, cheats, liars and other scumbugs (strange that this also fits the description of most members of Parliament...), but not if you are old and need social care, having paid taxes for others' care throughout your working life. Or you've become unemployed in your 50s, after paying taxes all your working life. Just have a look at Ms Snuffy's, errr, heart-warming modern day story about a benefits scam, albeit one perpetrated by an Indian family, rather than by white trash.

So, I ask. What have the striking twats got to strike about?

- They largely voted for this Government of all the Gobshites - or at least funded it, given their membership of Trade Unions like Unite.
- It is the middle classes that are paying for them and their families. The 'poor' cheat the benefits system and / or don't earn enough, whilst the truly rich can get around paying tax. The sods in the middle get (financially) fisted by Gay Gordon and his merry band of cunts.
- They've priced themselves out of the labour market by demanding wages and benefits (wages in all but name) which are out of kilter with their productivity.

It is people like me, who've been paying for all this shite - and will pay for it in the future (although I can move abroad and escape) - who should be going on strike and protesting in the street. Not BNP-voting muppets who believed that Gordon the Moron was some kind of economic genius...

Next stop for the UK police?

Apparently, some Nigerians think a thief has shape-shifted into a goat, and their local police force has been forced to take it into custody!

[This might explain a lot... After all, Harriet Harperson can't be human - perhaps she's that famous Sudanese goat that was married off to some peasant after he was caught, ahem, engaging in marital relations with it. Might explain her hatred of men and the idea that they might enjoy having sex...

On the other hand, maybe she's just a man-hating lesbian who has been forced into a sham marriage with a 'man' (using the widest definition of 'man' possible, given that it is Jack Dromey we're talking about here...)...]

Anyhooo... it's just so easy to go off-topic when it comes to the utter cunts that 'Govern' our country...

I think the point of raising this - apart from the fact that it's a tad amusing - was that it could never happen here... could it?

Personally, I'm not so sure... with the Government's anti-Darwinian scheme to reduce average intelligence, otherwise known as the 'Welfare State', funded by piling ever more taxes on hard-working individuals (whether they have families or not), whilst the likes of Paul Myners get rich courtesy of the taxpayer (via shorting banks, something which he is now slagging off, the hypocritical cunt) and pay very little tax...

And the outcome? How about this, for starters...

The bishop is back... and angry as ever!

Dear Reader

Apologies for the absence of posts recently - I've been enjoying a (well-earned?) holiday.

I gather that I'm not the only one... Mandy Pandy has apparently been spotted in Marrakech (incidentally, not his first time there...). Some of Guido's co-conspirators have even suggested that he might have been enjoying some of the, ahem, adult entertainment that Marrakech offers.

Well, clearly the Bishop isn't in a position to judge the truth of the matter - nor, as a libertarian, does he care if Mandy or anyone else indulges in such activities, provided they involve consenting adults. But, if this was what Mandy was doing, and given Harriet Harperson's Jacqui Smith's new law which will insist that clients check prostitutes' ages and that they aren't trafficked, perhaps Mandy could let us know whether he took similar precautions in North Africa, and how he ensured that he was told the truth?

Or, as anyone outside the Labour Party knows, will the legislation not work? There was an excellent article by Hannah Fletcher and Claudia Fromme in the Times on this, back in November. In particular, it points to experience in Finland, where, 'Since [similar] legislation came into effect, there has not been one single prosecution', because it is impossible to prove 'beyond reasonable doubt' that a client knew that a prostitute was trafficked.

Perhaps this is all part of Labour's ongoing attempts to turn England into a police state? The failure of the legislation will mean that 'beyond reasonable doubt', the backbone of a fair and just legal system for centuries, will be changed - no doubt, to 'if you support Labour, you're a victim and we'll pay you vast amounts of taxpayers' money, and, if not, you're an evil criminal who doesn't understand social justice, and we'll send you to the gulag'.

Perhaps the Prime Mentalist is more like Stalin than Mr Bean, after all?

Getting back to the subject in hand, I think it is worth reflecting on some of what the article says in detail...

When Richard Gere picked up Julia Roberts in his Lotus Esprit in Pretty Woman, it was the start of a great Hollywood romance. The classic prostitute with a heart of gold, she was transformed almost instantly into a glamous sex kitten, equally at home shopping on Rodeo Drive, decorating his arm at the opera in San Francisco or stamping the divots at a polo match. And, of course, there was a fairytale ending in which the corporate prince rescued the fair maiden as she promised to “rescue him right back”.

But if an English Gere — perhaps a hedge-fund manager trying to find Notting Hill in the dark — attempted a similar stunt in the brave new world of Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary, he wouldn't be handing out strawberries in the hotel penthouse but having his mugshot taken at the nearest police station.

Well, yeah. I mean, does anyone seriously think that prostitution is glamorous? Pretty Woman is a shit film, and hardly compares to reality (for a start, Richard Gere [edited for legal purposes! ;-)]). Seriously... (I guess they had to do this, as such sensationalisation seems to be a requirment even for broadsheet journalists these days... But forgive them - the rest of the article is unusually balanced and fair).

Andy Hayman, former assistant commissioner of the Metropolitan Police, thinks that the new proposals are ludicrous. “The police have so many other priorities, such as knife crime,” he says. “They don't want to hound prostitutes who obviously need the money, or their clients, unless they are causing serious problems.

“What these women need is help. Many of them are drug addicts or behind with their rent; they already have criminal convictions so they can't find another job. They don't need to be forced farther underground. Most are already very co-operative, and they are great informers. Coppers will ignore this one.”

Wow! The police being sensible? Perhaps Inspector Gadget despairs too much? Although it is an ex-copper talking... And they probably should go after the people traffickers....

"This is an disaster for many working women,” says Virginia (not her real name), who works in a sex parlour in southeast England that is run by a middle-aged couple. “These measures will make our jobs far more dangerous. The couple I work for are not pimps, they check my clients and make sure I'm safe. The sex between my client and myself is a consensual act.”

Nicky Adams, a spokeswoman (NB not 'spokesperson' - naughty, naughty!) for the English Collective of Prostitutes (NB note that 'union' seems to be a dirty word here - perhaps this explains Labour's hatred for them?), adds:

...prostitutes are now terrified of ending up with the most unscrupulous pimps. “All this will do is hound the decent parlour owners. The Government is trying to take the moral high ground but it's a low blow for women who are struggling to make ends meet, whether they are from Croydon or Croatia.”

But, as Harperson argues, isn't prostitution just, well, wrong? If women demean themselves by being prostitutes, why should we want them to be protected? After all, if we can get murder and rape figures up, then we can put all men (the raping bastards!) in prison and have a much better world! And we don't want any pretty Eastern European women here, showing how ugly many British women are! After all, how's a girl to get a girlfriend against that sort of competition?

If only women would simply look and dress like Harriet or our dear Jacqui (especially in her knife-proof vest, and with her protection squad, vital for any Labour Minister given what they've done to this country), then no man would want to fuck them! And then there would be no prostitution.

Except for rent boys in Marrakech, accessible only to senior Labour Ministers. Nothing wrong with that - after all, gay and Labour, now that's a minority group that deserves the full protection of the law...

First Predictions for 2009

Well, it's that time of year when we make foolish predictions about 2009. And they don't come much more foolish than those made by our friends at the Treasury - return to economic growth by the autumn, public borrowing of 'only' £120bn in fiscal year 2009/10 (excluding Northern Rock, Land Rover, etc., etc.....)...

And what of the likely reality? Well, here's a go...

1. With the UK economy going down the toilet, Brown calls early election on back of his bounce in the polls. Tories fail to provide proper alternative, saying that they won't cut spending to cut taxes and that 'rolling back the state isn't an option'. Muppets vote Brown back in.

2. Run on the Pound (even more than already) - how about £1 = 0.75 Euro?

3. UK can't refinance all of its debts as well as new borrowing. IMF called in.

4. UK economy completely fucked.

I think that about sums it up. Time for everyone who can to leave for the exit...

OR...

1. Cameron comes to his senses and makes the Tories a low tax party; or luck intervenes (seems more likely...) and the IMF are called in before Brown dares hold an election.

2. IMF forces 'savage' (all of 10%) cuts in UK spending in return for structural adjustment lending. Surprise, surprise - the sun doesn't fall out of the sky and the world goes on...


And this is the point. Although a recession will be painful - no foreign holidays for some (oh, the pain, the pain...) and no job for others (but they're in the private sector, so this is good news for our Labour Masters - more welfare clients...) - it may force the changes that the UK needs:

• It will be pretty easy to squeeze health spending by 10% - just cut the national tariff which determines prices. Together with wage freezes for the doctors who have done rather nicely under Labour (43% of additional health spending under Labour has gone on wage increases). Let's end the fiction of an NHS dental service (other countries leave it to the private sector - lightly regulated to prevent abuse of market power). A lot of public health spending can be cut without affecting health - e.g. anti-alcohol and 5-a-day campaigns.
  
• Cut down on wasteful spending. That means abolishing the Dept of Timewasting & Interfering (now called 'BERR' for some pathetic reason). It means no more 'lesbian co-ordinators' and the like, a ban on outside consultants being paid more than their civil service equivalents without specific sign-off by a Secretary of State (making them accountable for showing VfM) fewer special advisors, a hiring freeze across Whitehall and the rest of the public sector (with the exception of those who can show that they will generate cash savings, e.g. people who know how not to get ripped off buying IT services), wage cuts outside London to reflect the true difference in the cost of living rather than one that's made up, no more new furniture and IT kit at the end of the financial year, etc. And the House of Commons can show it's sharing the nation's pain by taking a 10% wage and allowance cut and losing its drinks subsidies. It's symbolic, y'know...
  
• All civil servants to be required to suggest a way of saving money in their area in order to receive a higher box marking, be eligible for future promotion and avoid a pay cut - we need to encourage a culture where efficiency is the norm, not the exception. Suggestions to be published, so that senior civil servants and Ministers can be held to account if they block their implementation.
  
• Abolish tax credits - whether for 'working families' (just cut taxes) or for R&D (ditto). Simplify tax system, introducing flat tax. Measures together will save billions in Revenue & Customs salaries, fraud / overpayment and firms having to spend much less on their tax returns.
  
• Scotland, Wales & Northern Ireland to receive same per capita spend as regions of England with equivalent levels of GDP per head. If they want more, they'll have to pay more tax. We can also save some money by reducing the number of MPs from those areas to reflect their population size and the fact that Gov't is devolved...
  
• Unilateral UK withdrawal from the Common Agricultural Policy, together with the concommitant cut in the UK's EU budget contributions. We gave up our rebate for nothing - now we'll get something. :-)
• Prison spending to be held steady - 2 at least to a cell (Human Rights Act to be disapplied to criminals), no more playstations, day trips for feral youths, etc. will fund new prison places.
  
• All existing Gov't funding for the Turd Sector / Charities to be ended. If they want to campaign against Gov't policies, they'll have to find private individuals to fund them. Those who want to implement (new, tougher) Gov't policy and can produce credible plans for doing so, can bid for funding against cr&p public sector authorities such as Haringey.
• DFID's budget to be cut. It's stupid for the UK to borrow money it can't afford to pay for corruption in the developing world. Spending that remains only to be given to countries that help themselves by adopting sensible policies. But as we're no longer in the CAP, they can export their farm produce to us without restriction (helping them and us - lower food prices for us, more secure markets for them).
• No national ID scheme (a bigger waste of money than David Bentley...). Olympics to be given to Paris.
• Education spending to be slightly cut by abolishing LEAs and ending nonsense like payments to students to do A levels. Vouchers to be introduced across the board to drive competition a la Sweden. I'm sure there's loads more that could be done - quality hasn't gone up with spending over the last decade...
  
• Defra and MoD to lose all industrial policy responsibilities and spending. No money to be directed towards the countryside over-and-above spending elsewhere - the cost of living is higher in cities, so why should taxpayers there subsidise those who live in the country?!
• Scrap RDAs - another complete waste of money.
• Police targets to be abolished. Local police chiefs elected - if they don't deliver real cuts in crime, they'll get voted out. All the bureaucracy introduced over the last 30 years to be at least halved.
  
• End welfare as a way of life (TM). Anyone that claims benefits fraudulently will lose entitlement to benefits permanently (and fuck anyone that says, 'but what about the chiiiiildreeeeeen?'). Anyone on benefits will not receive extra benefits for having more children. Nor extra housing. No-one under 25 to receive a council flat / house - that might encourage some responsibility... With tax thresholds massively increased, there will be no excuse not to work if you can - I don't care if that means cleaning the streets or public toilets (which are so disgusting that they can only be carrying large numbers of vacancies).
  

That's just a start. I bet everyone who works in the public sector can suggest many more.

But I needed to get it off my chest.

And 2009 may turn out to be not be so bad after all... but the start of something good.

Wanker of the Week - Christmas special

Dear Reader,

A very belated Merry Christmas to you.

The Bishop had a wonderful family Christmas - made all the more wonderful by the news about Harold Pinto. I celebrated with a special bottle of communion wine from my friends at Ridge Wines. [And, no, I don't get paid to endorse them - they're just the best wines in the world, in my humble opinion.]

However, the Christmas day festivities were interrupted by a 'special' edition of Top of the Pops, which featured Leona Lewis mauling (given her Aslan-like looks - and, no, that wasn't intended as a compliment - a good choice of word, methinks) the wonderful Snow Patrol song, Run.

Now, the Bishop isn't particularly wivvit, innit when it comes to the X-Factor and other shite beamed into the Sheeple's living rooms, 1984-style, by ITV and the BBC (yet another reason to rip up my TV licence and tell them to fuck off, as if I needed one...). But I have not only heard Run being farted out by Leona Fat-Arse as previously mentioned, but also Leonard Cohen's wonderful Halleluja being vomited out by some other piece of choir-fodder, who, I am told, rejoices in the name 'Burke'. How appropriate.

Well, I could make these two transexual wannabes my joint Wankers of the Week. And it's not that they don't merit it - fame-hungry, money-grubbing chav-fodder that they are. It's just that, well...

There is a cunt of the highest order that has for many years produced this kind of junk music, aimed at teenage girls and their mothers / grandmothers, all in the name of making money. Not that there's anything wrong with making money. But the Bishop wouldn't choose to do so by trafficking women from Eastern Europe to work as prostitutes, say, or by selling weapons to Hugo Chavez. And crimes against music are - to these ears, at least - pretty much on a par with such reprehensible activities...

And his name is Simon Cowell. The man who gave us Sinitta and Grease is the word (where is the puking smiley when you need it? Ah... here - ).

And. He's. A. Cunt. A Christmas Wanker if ever I saw one.

So, Simon, go fuck yourself right up the arse with the longest bargepole in history. And when you die, I hope your own personal Hell is to be forced to listen to Sinitta et al for eternity. And that might, just might make us even.

In the meantime, I will give you a tiny taste - although probably not nearly as minuscule as your cock must be, given how you obsessed you are with fame, money and all that they bring at the expense of taste, family and love (what else would explain his sense of inadequacy?) - of what I think about you by making you the first Christmas Wanker of the Week.

Wanker of the Week

What kind of cunt thinks that a murderer is a hero, an icon, someone we should look up to?

Not many people are that stupid.

But those that are - well, they usually vote Labour... or their equivalents abroad.

And the Nameless Libertarian and the Devil have identified a particular arsehole of the species. The name's del Toro. Merda del Toro. Or, at least, that's what kids at school called him...

And he's a complete cunt. As are all the feeble-minded sheeple who wear 'Che' t-shirts. Or listen to the opinions of actors as if they are some breed of geniuses, simply because they pretend to be other people in films.

So, del Toro - you're my Wanker of the Week.

And you're joined by anyone that thinks that celebrities' opinions are somehow something that others should take notice of, just because they are celebrities. Yes, Gordon 'end of spin' Brown - that means you, too. Cunt.

Wanker of the Week

Well, it's been a while. And so many candidates!

- All BBC employees (as per every week - too easy)
- All civil servants (except that bloke at the Home Office who's been helping Damien Green. Do the others all support Gordon the Moron?!)
- Social workers from Haringey and wherever it is Oop North where Shannon Matthews lives
- Michael Martin

But the Bishop has decided not to target the usual suspects - at least, as left-wing 'liberals' (i.e. socialists - who are anything but liberal) would stereotype them.

...

Had you for a second!

Of course, it's Michael Martin.

Should never have been a Speaker - like his fellow Scottish MPs, he has no appreciation for the importance of Parliament to English freedoms. And he's too thick.

And no, I don't give a fuck about his background - his Catholicism (obviously...), his metal-bashing career (I bet he was shit at that too!), his trade-unionism (although that's usually a giveaway for stupidity and selfishness - nothing must ever change in case someone might have to change jobs), or even the fact that he joined a Party that has infantilised Scotland and now the rest of the UK, all in the name of staying in power for no apparent purpose other than to stick its collective snout in the trough.

He isn't up to the job. Simple. And if he had any shred of decency or honour, he would resign.

But he's a wanker who is addicted to the perks of power. And that's why he's my Wanker of the Week.

Why Gordon wants to replicate Mugabenomics

To his shame, the Bishop was struck not only be the sheer horror and awfulness of the latest news from Zimbabwe about cholera, but also by an unpleasant thought about what Gordon the Moron might have in store for the UK.

As many others have pointed out the similarities between events in Zimbabwe and those in the UK recently, I won't waste your time repeating them. But the question many have asked is why. Why would Gordon want to do this to us?

Well, some suggestions include:

- He's mental. Well, duurrrrr! But to suggest that another mentally-challenged PM would wreck the UK's economy deliberately is, I feel, unfair. After all, John Major thought Edwina Currie was attractive. And yet the economy did relatively well under his government - after White Wednesday, that is.

- He thinks that Brits are more likely to vote for him if there's a crisis. There are enough apparent morons who would do this, if the polls are to be believed - who the fuck would vote for Labour after the last 11 years? Well, 30% + of the population, apparently! Hmmmm, a great argument for democracy... not.

- He hates the Tories so much that he's willing to do anything to hurt them - including destroying the country by laying waste to our economy. This was the Bishop's favourite explanation for his decision to follow Mugabe's example.

However, the latest from Zim suggests a more fundamental reason.

A Sky News broadcast this week showed Zimbabweans in hospital in South Africa, being treated for cholera.

Apart from the obvious suffering, one thing that was slightly alarming was the bright green adult nappies which many of the patients were wearing.

And then the Bishop remembered the story about Gordon's nursery-based activities.

And, suddenly, there was light - if the UK follows Zimbabwe into a cholera-ridden hell, then it will become 'normal' to wear adult nappies. And Gordon will then - at least in his own warped, sick mind - be 'normal' too.

Faith - whilst some have regained theirs, I've lost mine

Oh dear!

The Diocesan Council's investments have run into even more trouble. A shareholding which, we were assured, would yield a profit in fact looks like yielding a rather substantial loss.

The new advisors we took on last year don't seem to be helping much...

Still, no-one predicted what would happen. Not.

Still, it's only money. And not our money at that. The tithe-payers can always be squeezed a little lot more. And you can bet they will be. And then some.

Especially when we have to call in help from Rome. The International Diocesan Fund aren't renowned for pulling their punches.

Still - the Curia will get their bonuses this year. And the Cardinal, his predecessor and his pals have apparently regained their popularity amongst the tithe-payers.

Incompetent fuckwits.

That's why I have finally lost my religion. Friday was my last day at the Council. Whilst I'm sad to leave, and I'll miss my team and my friends, I've lost all faith in the Church.

My new job is... well, let me think about what I can say about it ;-)


BB

Wanker of the Week

Barack Obama.

Yes, the 'Barack-lash' has begun. Why, I hear you ask?

Well, first, the Bishop was never a great fan of the Saviour of the Universe(TM).

And now the socialist twat is proving the Bishop right. Via yesterday's FT:

- He is giving new powers to trade unions: what a great idea at a time when the US is going into recession, increasing the cost of employin people! That won't have any negative impact on the unemployment rate, will it?

- Not only is he intent on fucking up the US economy, he also wants to impose it on the rest of us too: he is already reinforcing his protectionist credentials...

[Note: sorry, I can't find the links - I read the stories in yesterday's (hangs head in shame) paper dead-tree FT]

I don't care if he's black, white, pink, green or any colour of the rainbow - he's a complete wanker. Fact.

Another Establishment Fuck-Up

Ronald Reagan must be turning in his grave. His closest ally in the war against the Communists (he could hardly rely on the cheese-eating surrender monkeys now, could he...) completely fucked by the Establishment... yet again.

We're returning to the Dark Ages of socialism, cheered on by the Muppet Show that is the BBC (apologies Kermit and Co - you're nothing like as stupid and craven to 'New' (i.e. Same Old) Labour as Peston, Robinson and Co).

I wonder what the Gipper might have said about the motives of Brown and the rest...

If it moves (or might move in the future), tax it
If it is still moving, regulate it (badly)
If it stops moving, subsidise it

This should be inscribed on Gordon Brown's tombstone. Preferably, as soon as possible...

That, and, given his insane addiction to Big Government, a picture of a begging bowl - the one he may well end up proffering to the IMF...

Recently (very) drunk...

The eagle-eyed will have noticed a new feature here on Craggy Island - the 'Recently Drunk' sidebar...

This is your humble Bishop's effort to stick two fingers (or one, if you're one of our American friends) up at the health fascists who have stuck posters all over the Metrocity metro telling us all that we drink too much.

These fuckers need to understand:

- I do a stressful job, working in the Diocesan Council with people utter cunts like Archbishop D'Inde, who are busy trying to fuck up the Diocese's investments.
- I have to travel on the Metrocity metro.... and the Metrocity above-ground
- Because my salary's shite - or, rather, I have to pay so much of it in tax - I have to live in Chav-ville, alongside the recipients of my generosity
- Who repay me by spending it on cheap cider, being violent, scaring the shit out of Mrs Brennan and anyone with half a brain, and then visiting Chav-ville A&E, where they are singularly unpleasant to the docs and nurses who try to help them.

And you fuckers have the nerve to tell me not to drink...

You should be grateful I don't shoot-up... the chavs' flats (actually, make that my flats, since I pay for them).

Now fuck off back to Guardian La-La Land, where everyone, darhling, has a BMW and a Tuscan Villa and lives in the nicer bits of Metrocity, and therefore can 'afford' to pay more tax...

Cunts.

A 'vast right-wing conspiracy'

Sonny Jim writes:

Extensive investigations on my part [Editor's note: 5 minutes on the internet] have revealed the source of the vast right-wing conspiracy in the blogosphere.

During the early 1980s, when many right-wing bloggers were growing up and/or taking the usual student interest in children's programmes after the totally shocking consumption of illicit substances (we liberals would never even dream of doing morally abhorant things like that), the Klu Klux Klan gained access to the airwaves via the BBC children's programme, Fingermouse. As a result of this, a large number of 'Thatcher's children' were indoctrinated with right-wing thinking.

Pictured above, a KKK member (left) and Fingermouse (right)

Now, having allegedly 'grown up', indoctrinated bloggers, such as Guido Fawkes and Devil's Kitchen, have been using their positions of influence in the blogosphere to propogate right-wing slurs, such as the utterly ludicrous claim that the Prime Minister is mentally ill.

Apart from being an appalling thing for any decent, caring person to say - it is not funny to make 'jokes' about serious medical afflictions, which affect 1/3 of people in this country at some point in their lives - it's almost as bad as when another vast right-wing conspiracy, this time in the United States, tried to claim that Bill Clinton was not faithful to his wife... errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........................

[Editor's note: At this point, Sonny Jim was forced to put down his orange crayon by some very nice people in white coats, and was taken back to his room, which is so comfortable that even its walls are lovely and soft...].