NHS to offer new 'Polly Pill'

Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced today that the new Polly Pill, revealed 'exclusively' on the Al-Jabeeba website this week, will be made available immediately on the NHS, on a compulsory basis, to all voters citizens, despite concerns about side-effects.

The Chancellor One-eyed Scottish cunt Prime Minister said, 'Ve have been looking for vays of making you pork, I mean, we have been looking for ways to neutralise opposition and ensure the re-election of a National Socialist Labour government, and this is perfect. It will not benefit hard-working families throughout the Socialist Republic of Scotland the UK.

Named after legendary Guardian columnist Polly Toynbee, once the new Polly Pill has been taken, the patient immediately begins to spout left-wing bollocks reasonable, 'liberal' views, and will immediately believe everything that Gordon Brown says, including the delusion obvious point that he is the Saviour of the World, John the Baptist to Barack Obama's Jesus.

Concerns about side-effects - including allegations of the development of SHS (Severe Hypocrisy Syndrome), usually involving earning large sums of money for writing bollocks whilst pretending to represent 'the poor', and taking regular flights to a second home abroad whilst condemning those who fly abroad for their one holiday a year for causing global warming - have been dismissed by those close to the Prime Minister, who point out that the Polly Pill is believed to reduce the incidence of Conservative voting by as much as 50%, and that, therefore, the benefits hugely outweigh any risks.

Life to be banned - 'too dangerous', says Minister

Following new scientific research from the University of the North of New Britain (formerly Kilbride College of FE), which shows for the first time that all human beings will die eventually, Safety Minister Jim Fitzpatrick has announced that all human life will be banned 'in the interests of improving statistics', which will, in turn, ensure 'New' Labour's prospects in all future elections.

Speaking exclusively on the Andrew Brown-Nose show, Mr Fitzpatrick explained, 'We have not been able to find any other way to catch up with Swedish and Dutch immortality statistics. We therefore took this tough decision - over breakfast this morning when we were deciding what new initiative we could announce on your show.'

The Brown Broadcasting Corporation could not be arsed to ask any spokesmen from other parties to comment on the proposals. Defending this decision, BBC Political Director Chris Paul said, 'This is such a minor administrative decision that we felt that it did not impinge on our Charter requirement to defend socialism.'

'In any case, when the Tories killed everyone in the North in the 1980s, Labour were not given the chance to put their case for increasing income taxes on the south to 110% in order to fund the north's basic requirements for chips, gravy, shellsuits, bling and BMWs.'

The Liberal Social Democrat spokesperson for public health, Sheila Beardsandal, said, 'This is ridiculous. Only today, our Conference voted through a radical suggestion to increase life expectancy by funding an expedition to find the Fountain of Youth. And yet the BBC - yet again - found no time to allow us to put forward this practical proposal on a minor TV show that nobody watches.'

Europhiles rumbled!

Dear Reader,

Apologies for the light blogging recently - travel and Mrs B's demands for DIY around the house (despite the Bishop's, ahem, 'differently-abled' DIYing talents... :) have cut into the Bishop's blogging time.

The good news, however, is that the Bishop is able to catch up with things now...

First story: many of you may have noticed this recent gem on the (usually reliably Europhile) BBC website about wonky bananas and overly-bent cucumbers...

Hang on a second! Weren't these things supposed to be myths peddled by evil Eurosceptics?!

Well, no, apparently not. Indeed, it appears that our friends in Brussels have had time to determine the precise required geometry of particular fruits and legumes. For example,

"the difference between the smallest and largest aubergines in the same package must not exceed 20mm for elongated aubergines [and] 25mm for globus aubergines"

What the fuck?! Why do such regulations exist? Are shoppers really so stupid that they would allow themselves to be ripped off by supermarkets on things like this? What happened to caveat emptor?

The reality, as the Bishop has seen at the Diocesan Council, is that the more bureaucrats there are, the more that stupid laws will be created - when people are judged by what they do, and punished for doing nothing (even if it is the most sensible thing to do), who can blame them for doing it?

Nor is the claim in the above link that legislation on bananas was sought by the industry is no excuse. Given that companies are not normally big fans of extra legislation (because it means higher costs), the question that needs to be asked is why would they actually want more legislation. The answer, of course, is to squeeze out potential new entrants or increase costs for smaller competitors.... Again, another cost of too many civil servants is that it increases the number of people in positions of power that can be 'captured' by vested interests.

So, when Europhiles claim that 'there are actually very few civil servants in Brussels', I suggest you send them this post, and ask them to justify the waste of time, food (that gets thrown away) and resources (e.g. the significant pay of the Eurocrats involved, not to mention the costs of enforcing these stupid rules to taxpayers and consumers).

The answer is to follow the usual rule of thumb with regard to the EU, i.e. to tell them to go forth and preferably not multiply :)

What makes this even worse, as the Al-Beeb article makes clear, is that the stupid tossers in Brussels want to respond to the current 'Global Food Crisis' (a result of monstrous stupidities such as the Common Agricultural Policy) by adding even more bureaucracy to the mess:

'The Commission says misshapen fruit should be sold "with some sort of label for use in cooking"'

Well, that sounds like a sound basis for legislating! Perhaps we should ask the people who wrote the Dangerous Dogs Act to help in drafting it?

Suggestions in the comments about the definition of 'label' for the legislation would be most welcome... The Bishop will then forward them to Brussels, in a spirit of 'solidarity' with our 'fellow European serfs citizens'.


BB

The taste of Gordon Brown

No, this isn't a reference to his, or his wife's, dress sense...

In fact, it refers to Synaesthesia, a condition where people mix the senses, so that numbers have particular colours, or sounds carry particular smells (ahem, no flatulence jokes please...*).

According to the BBC, the President of the UK Synaesthesia Association, one James Wannerton, finds that words and sounds have a particular taste associated with them.

Note that the story's headline refers to the 'taste of George Bush' ('like the crusty potato bit on top of a cottage pie', which is transformed into the headline 'George Bush "like crusty potato"'), whilst the photograph illustrating the piece mentions that Gordon Brown 'tastes like Marmite'.

Now, the Bishop doesn't like to put the BBC down**, but the description of George Bush could be read as an - admittedly rather feeble - attempt to slag off the dear Pres of the good old U.S. of A. From the BBC? Surely not?! Just to make sure, shall we check to see what Mr Wannerton actually says about our beloved leader? Let's!

Gordon Brown leaves me with a very strong taste of dirt and Marmite, so he shouldn't count on getting my vote. [My emphasis]

Right. So the 'politically unbiased' and 'entirely neutral' BBC twists a comment about George W, whilst underplaying what Mr Wannerton says about Gordy, all because he didn't say that Gordy smells of roses, and therefore deserves to be elected life President. Hmmmm... remind me again why we pay a tax, I mean 'licence fee', for this drivel?

Enough about Al-Beeb.

Well, others have commented on Gordy's personal hygiene, so perhaps the 'strong taste of dirt' is unsurprising. Ditto for all those who, like the Bishop, think that Marmite is probably produced from another substance which is brown and sticky (Oooops! There's my Scatologicia again!).

Anyway, the Bishop would like to ask his Reader what other politicians (and even celebrities) might taste of - answers in the comments please. Here's a few to start off with:

Alistair Darling - a tasteless vegetable of some kind?
Patricia Hewitt - leaves a taste of carbolic soap in the mouth
Caroline Flint - cheap bubblegum?
M Sarkozy - cheese / garlic (no stereotypes there, then...)
Mme Sarkozy - caviar!
William Hague - Yorkshire bitter
David Cameron - toffee

You get the idea...

Prizes: the Bishop will say a few prayers for the winner at Sunday Mass.


*Mrs Brennan is always telling the Bishop that he lowers the tone of conversations at every opportunity. Unfortunately, as the Bishop keeps reminding her, he suffers from a condition known as 'Scatologicia', the inability to resist making a joke about anything related to the back passage. Like all modern Craggy Islanders with 'issues', the Bishop blames it on his parents.

** Actually, that statement contains about as much truth as the famed dossier on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction.