Dear Reader,
Well, it's been an exciting, Progressive week, hasn't it?
First, that well-known hero of Women's Rights, Teddy Kennedy, has been given a life peerage - as Prime Minister Gordon Brown so eloquently explained, 'After all, if Lord Ashcroft can be a peer, why not an American who share's New Labour's values*?' Lord Kennedy of
Chappaquiddick will take up his seat immediately.
Second, following the
disgraceful treatment of Lord Ahmed of Tub, his supporters have received assurances from the Secretary of State for Sharia Law and Justice, Abdullah Islam (formerly Jack Straw), that Muslims will only be tried by fellow Muslims, that the word of a non-Muslim will be valued at less than that of a Muslim in future court cases, and that the Muslim Parliament will henceforth be given a right to pass new legislation without clearance by the House of Commons and the House of Lords, as well as a veto on any new laws emenating from those institutions.
Mr Islam (Straw) pointed out that, 'We in Britain have a long track record** of
capitulating to, I mean protecting Minorities, and this new step demonstrates just how progressive we are. I, for one, welcome our new Islamic overlords.' Osama Bin Laden, speaking from his Islamic (formerly Royal) Air Force jet en route from Pakistan to take up his new position as Speaker / Leader of the Muslim Parliament and Supreme Ruler of the United Caliphate (formerly United Kingdom), said, 'I welcome the recognition of the rightness of my Cause from my brothers in the United Caliphate Labour Party. Allah willing, I will be
taking it up the arse from Peter Mandelson this very evening, I mean, I'm not a closet homosexual at all, I will be receiving a
delegation led by Peter Mandelson later this evening. I have ordered an immediate nuclear strike on Denmark and the Netherlands, for the disgraceful actions of their cartoonists and Geert Wilders respectively.' The Supreme Leader also welcomed the appointment of Lord Kennedy to the House of Lords, saying, 'He shares my attitude towards - and valuation of - women'.
The third great triumph of the week, following the disgraceful and outrageous attack on Peter Mandelson (now known as Nancia Marrakecha) on Friday, was the
back passage of emergency legislation to allow for the summary execution, without trial and on the orders of a Minister or ACPO, of anyone who embarrasses important government figures, whether they be
officials from the Office of National Statistics, or so-called 'environmentalists' (who could be greener than our New Labour Government?!)
who throw things at Ministers. Announcing the latest law, newly Burqua'ed Home Secretary, Islama Fascista (formerly Jacqui Smith) said, 'We will be tough on slime, tough on the causes of slime'.
All Hail the Masters of the United Caliphate of Great Britain and Northern Ireland! All Hail Allah and his Prophet Mohammed!
All Hail his servants, Lord Ahmed of Tub, Lord Kennedy of Chappaquiddick, Abdullah Islam / Jack Straw and Islama Fascista / Jacqui Smith!
*No, that does not mean corruption, John Prescott levels of gluttony, and 'all animals are equal, but some are more equal than others'. Anyone suggesting this will receive a friendly visit from a delegation of 10,000 of Lord Ahmed's closest friends.
** i.e. about 11 years
