Australian PM Rudd takes lead in new fiscal stimulus

Following this week's G20 meeting, Australian PM Kevin Rudd has already shown his willingness to follow Gordon Brown's lead in stimulating the economy by throwing mobile phones and other objects at his staff, requiring the purchase of their replacement, thereby providing a much-needed demand boost to the economy.

Mr Rudd's new spokesman, Alastair Campbell, pointed out that, 'Throwing items such as mobile phones and chairs at civil servants is just Kevin's way of joking around. And even if they did require counselling afterwards, that will also help stimulate the economy.

'If you report anything other than this official line, you'll end up like David Kelly.'

Reports from ex-staffers that Mr Rudd's behaviour could be explained by the fact that he had caught a rare virus from Mr Brown - who has exhibited behaviours similar to those of Mr Rudd, including telephoning officials at all times of the night and having violent temper tantrums, as well as throwing objects at people - known as socialistus mentalis psycho-sociopathus (SMPS) were dismissed by Mr Campbell, who pointed out that, 'I'm a pretty sane kind of guy, and I'm sure I would have noticed any abnormal behaviour on the part of Kevin, or, indeed, Gordon, who is, of course, one of my closest friends.'

Denying reports that he had deliberately passed on the SMPS virus to Mr Rudd, Gordon Brown said, 'We announced at the G20 that we would launch a fiscal stimulus, and Kevin Rudd is doing just that. The fact that Kevin Rudd is following the lead taken by the Labour Government in Great Britain just goes to show how far the do-nothing-Tories are outside the consensus of world opinion in dealing with the downturn.

'With the leaders of all G20 countries following my lead and breaking mobile phones, computer keyboards and chairs at least once a day, we will soon reach the $1.1 trillion stimulus promised in London on Thursday.'

Shares of Nokia, Motorola and LG rose sharply in trading today, following Mr Brown's comments.


Medical note: The SMPS virus

The SMPS virus is normally transmitted sexually, usually through unprotected anal intercourse. However, it can also (rarely) be transmitted via contaminated toilet seats. Mr Rudd is known to partake of an unusual practice, known as 'driving the porcelain bus' on occasions, usually after eating food at sporting events. It is possible he could have caught the SMPS virus after sharing a bathroom with Mr Brown at the G20 event.